I'm becoming increasingly worried about my bald spot. I sometimes feel I'm turning into a right slap head. What would you advise?
	Well what I would say is tough luck. You want to sort yourself out and stop whining like a little girl. I'll send you my fact sheet about coping with baldness in a dignified manner
	Every day I'm becoming more and more attracted to a bird at work. Only trouble is she's due to be slaughtered in 8 days time. Should I run away with her?
	Although bestiality isn't my speciality I would say you would be spitting feathers if you take this relationship any further. I think the whole thing is a little fowl
	I keep having these uncontrollable outbursts of rage, mainly when I'm trying to persuade people to play for the 2nds, what should I do?
	Try counting to 10 and thinking happy thoughts. If they still don't want to play then rip their f$£@ing heads off
	Sometimes after peeling 17,000 potatoes I get a tightness in my lower back, what could it be?
	This could be a slight strain of the ligaments between your L5 and L6 vertebrae. I would recommend 12 pints of bitter and 15 minutes strenuous karaoke to loosen it up.